Friday, October 28, 2005

why meme

No, seriously, why me? I'm not very good at things like this, and even worse at passing them on, as I am with all correspondence (xmas cards get posted in January - familiar to anyone?). But, just because Blue'I'vejustfinishedmyfirstsockgenius'adt and mary'mathgenius'-lou asked sooo nicely, I'll give it a go.

Ten years ago:
I just got back from a highly top-secret mission to the international space station, where I ran experiments on the effects of weightless on knitting. The results showed that gravityless yarn, contrary to all previous earth-bound evidence, behaved perfectly. No knots, no tangles, no dropped stitches, no missing yarn-overs, no miscounts, kitcheners that grafted themselves, dpns that stayed put, bulgeless seams, and most miraculously of all, gauge that always matched and garments that fitted.

Five years ago:
I was in a witness protection programme, hiding out disguised as a stud llama in Outer Mongolia, with Sven and Micki 'boy' Delft, two ex-SAS camels, acting as llamaguards, following threats made by a secret cabal of yarnies. The yarn industry didn't like anything that implied yarn might behave badly, IASA were worried that they would be overrun with knitters demanding space on the next shuttle, and knit-bloggers were worried that they would run out of blogging material. I would name names, but you know how ornery those k-bloggers can be. (ps, a tip, fermented horse milk is definitely an acquired taste.)

One year ago:
After having won elGordo for the third year running, I was able to pay off the yarn industry (a certain company, whose name rhymes with flagellated protozoan - minus 6 syllables - drove a particularly hard bargain). Following major reconstructive interspecies surgery, for myself (cloven hooves back to opposable thumbs was especially tricky) and Sven and Micki 'boy' (who now service my every need, although they still have a slight tendency to spit), and after signing a cast-iron contract, agreeing to keep my identity secret (or else I'm on the addi blacklist), I was allowed to re-integrate back into the knitting world.

Five songs I know all the words to:
The twelve days of Christmas (how far can you get?)
Happy Birthday
10 green bottles
And once, when I was young and foolish, I learnt the lyrics to Tom Lehrer's 'The Elements', so when I am old and senile, I shall recall them with perfect, but out of date, clarity.

Five snacks:
Alfalfa and a salt lick are strangely appealing
Coffee (to my dying day, I will swear that caffeine is a legitimate, and necessary, food group)
Cold baked beans
Cottage cheese

Five things I would do with $100 million:
Set up an international yarn donation scheme
Book a space flight
Family, charity, a bit of fun etc. You know how this goes.

Five places to run away to:
Having been on the run for the last 9 years, I'm happy where I am, for now.
But Iceland is cool, as long as the sulphur in the air doesn't get you.

Five things I would never wear:
Puff ball skirts
Meringue wedding dress
Strappy tops without chicken wing protection
A ducking stool

Five favourite TV shows:
Bremner, Bird and Fortune
West Wing (the Sorkin years)
Sapphire and Steel
The Book Group

Five biggest joys:
Cats (because otherwise they will destroy the yarn, they said)
Sleep - specifically, the Sunday morning back to sleep, after breakfast in bed and newspapers
BBC Radio 4/The World Service

Five favourite toys:
Credit card and secure internet access
Coffee machine
Knitting needles

There, now wasn't that fun.